In "Spider-Man," gentle Uncle Ben instills in Peter Parker one simple philosophy: "With great power comes great responsibility."
That's why Peter spends all his time swinging around the city chasing six-armed lunatics instead of doing what
any of us would do with his abilities. Namely, webbing Mary Jane Watson (pictured here) to the bedposts or crawling on the ceiling of the Oakland Raiders cheerleaders' locker room.
NFL players also possess great power. The power to attract hot women.
At least the great ones do. And to us, the anonymous drones who sit in the stands or wallow in our own filth on the couch every week watching these gridiron warriors in action, they have a responsibility to bed down with the finest women the world has to offer. They owe it to us. We pay the freight in the NFL. We buy the tickets. We support the sponsors ... the beer companies anyway.
The players have an obligation to us to score all the women too impossibly hot for us to get. Otherwise, they'll just end up in the arms of the movie stars, the pop idols or, God forbid, the French.
Football players scoring with hot chicks is a tradition as old as the pigskin itself. The first time someone drew a grid on an Ohio cow pasture, outran a would-be tackler and punched the ball into the end zone, the Canton High prom queen was waiting to give him the old "extra point."
We pay tribute to all of them.
The original Great Swordsman
The great grandfather of NFL babe hounds was legendary Rams quarterback Bob Waterfield
Taken with the fifth pick of the 1944 draft, Waterfield became the first rookie ever to win the MVP award. His stellar career culminated with his induction into the Hall of Fame in 1965.
But it was Waterfield's accomplishments off the field that were truly the stuff of legend. Namely, he married Hollywood's bustiest, sultriest goddess, the voluptuous silver-screen bad girl Jane Russell (pictured here).
There is no contemporary starlet to whom you can compare Russell. In today's era, when seeing a celebrity's vagina requires nothing more than the ability to turn on a computer, it's hard to put Queen Jane in perspective.
When "sexy" in Hollywood was defined by the squeaky-clean likes of Betty Grable or Lana Turner, Russell was a smoldering, shagging sex goddess. And with the men of the world pursuing her like rabid dogs, she fell for a football player.
In homage to the Great Swordsman Bob Waterfield, Cold, Hard Football Facts.com pays tribute to the National Football League's top sexual achievers by counting down the NFL's hottest celebrity wives/girlfriends.
The criteria are these:
1. We considered only players from the last 20 years.
2. You must be famous on your own, not because you're a player's wife. We'll call this "The Joumanna Kidd Rule."
3. The bigger the celebrity you are, the higher you rank. A cheerleader may make the list, but she'll have a hard time rating ahead of a world-renowned lingerie model, actress or the Queen of England (assuming she's dating a linebacker or somebody).
4. Like high school, blind dates or strip joints, the main criteria is looks. The fact that someone's girlfriend has a nice personality or has adopted a mid-sized Third World nation doesn't win you any points here.
5. The decision of the Cold, Hard Football Facts is final. Though as always, you are free to badmouth us behind our backs.
Presenting our Dirty Dozen:
12. Brigitte Neilsen (Mark Gastineau)
Looking back at the 1980s, there are some things that just can't be explained. Mullets. Skinny leather neckties. "Rock Me Amadeus." Neilsen as a sex symbol.
Beyond her Oscar-caliber work as "Red Sonja" and as Mrs. Drago in "Rocky IV," she was most famous for casting such a spell over Gastineau, the Jets volatile sack machine, that he retired early in order to spend more time with her. But beyond Gastineau and Sylvester Stallone, whom she later married, there wasn't a man among us who would've been surprised if 'Gitte turned out to have a penis.
11. Kollette Klassen (Jake Plummer)
Klassen is hotter than a Texas sidewalk in August, and the idea of a player scoring one of his team's own cheerleaders ... well that's what America is all about.
But unless you're the cheerleader on "Heroes," you're just not famous enough to rank high on this list. Rules is rules.
10. Paris Hilton (Brian Urlacher, Matt Leinart and half the Western Hemisphere)
Frankly, we don't get the appeal. The Cold, Hard Football Facts wouldn't touch Hilton with a pair of barbecue tongs. Nor are we sure exactly what it is she does, though we think her W-2 says "Professional Celebrity."
You'd think an All-Pro linebacker and a Heisman trophy winner would show better judgment. You'd be safer sticking your man parts into a nuclear reactor. But she's famous, football players nail her quite regularly, and someone finds her attractive, so she makes our list.
9. Heather Mitts (A.J. Feeley)
Heather plays something called "soccer." Apparently it's a game that involves kicking of some sort. And it's played by girls. You put 2 & 2 together.
This "soccer" is also popular in some place known as "The Rest of the World," which means we really don't give a shit. These are all those countries where you find the Westminster Dog Show on the Food Network.
8. Elisabeth Hasselbeck (Tim Hasselbeck)
Elisabeth became "famous" (in the 21st-century meaning of the term) as a contestant on "Survivor."
Her notoriety came from the fact that she could sleep on the ground in the Australian Outback for a month and not look like ass. Now she's on a daytime talk show called "The View."
If you're wondering whether or not you've ever seen the show, look in your pants. If you see a penis there, the answer is: "No, you haven't."
7. Angie Harmon (Jason Sehorn)
Like her husband, Harmon is overrated
. A passable talent, but not a Pro Bowl-caliber hottie. And like 90 percent of the world's actresses, she earns a living doing either a "Law & Order" or a "CSI." We can't tell which. To the Cold, Hard Football Facts, she'll always be Ryan McBride from the incomparable "Baywatch Nights," a true television classic.
6. Jennifer Walcott (Adam Archuleta)
These two were meant for each other.
A free agent in 2006, the Washington Redskins made Archuleta the highest-paid safety in NFL history, and he was a huge bust. We can safely say that Playboy Playmate Jennifer Walcott
(your Miss August 2001) has
a huge bust.
You just don't see symmetry in life like that without some sort of divine intervention.
5. Bridget Moynahan (Tom Brady)
Brady proves what we've believed all along: that as pick-up lines go, "How'd ya like to make out between two Super Bowl MVP trophies?" is one of the best ... even though it's never worked for us.
Moynahan is astonishingly beautiful despite lacking certain assets. Just like with his passing offense, Brady is willing to forgo the big bombs and dump it into the flat. To show how much cache Brady has, he introduced Bridget to Pope John Paul II, where His Holiness told her how much he loved her in "Coyote Ugly."
4. Heather Kozar (Tim Couch)
What is it with Playboy Playmates and busts? In 1999, Kozar was Playmate of the Year
and Couch was taken by the Cleveland Browns with the first pick in the draft. By 2005, he was out of football, though she was still face-meltingly hot. And they're still married.
In Cleveland, the former quarterback is now part of a trivia question: What do Tim Couch and Bill
Belichick have in common? They've both screwed a Kozar.
3. Holly Robinson (Rodney Peete)
If you're over 30, she's Judy Hoffs from "21 Jump Street." If you're under 30, she's Vanessa Hamilton from "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper."
If she's neither of those to you, then she's the absolute smokeshow who's the only highlight of Peete's amazingly long 16-year career.
2. Carmella DeCesare (Jeff Garcia)
She's another PMOY. Terrell Owens once publicly questioned Garcia's sexual orientation. And he wasn't the only one.
The questions lingered until September of 2004, when they were shattered like the CHFF crew at an Irish funeral. It was then that we learned Jeff was dating Carmella because she got arrested for karate-kicking a woman who hit on him in a bar.
Then the entire pigskin world did the Moe Szylak "Whaaaa?" thing. The two are engaged to be married this May. You don't get any more hetero than a Playmate of the Year fighting for your honor. Please accept our apologies, Mr. Garcia (he's henceforth "Mr. Garcia" to us), and call us DeCesaresexuals.
1. Giselle Bundchen (Tom Brady)
By dumping Moynahan, Brady demonstrated to the world that he's at the top of the NFL babe hound food chain. He's got the looks, he's got the rings and he's got women coming after him like they were Jason Taylor on 3rd-and-long.
The comparisons between Brady and Waterfield are numerous: Both were quarterbacks, both won multiple championships and both nailed the premier tail of their day.
It took Brady all of a couple of weeks to do the impossible: upgrade from Moynahan. With all due respect, Giselle is Bridget 2.0. If you want to be considered one of the greats, to carve out a legacy that people will remember forever, the only surer way than "win three Super Bowls" is "nail Brazilian lingerie models." The best part? She's apparently one of the richest women in the world.
To the guys on this list, good work. To the rest of you in the NFL, you know what's expected of you. We're all counting on you to carry on the legacy of Mr. Waterfield.