According to the "pundits," a number of "statements" were made around the NFL this week. The Colts made a statement. Randy Moss made a statement. The Steelers made a statement ... blah, blah, blah.
The storylines are so unimaginative that we read the list of ingredients on a box of salt this morning to satisfy our thirst for creative commentary.
The truth is that, when it comes to "statement" games, the "pundits" give you only half the story. The laws of phootball physics dictate that for every statement there is an equal and opposite misstatement.
Tom Brady, for example, makes a bold fashion statement every time he steps out on the town with his lingerie model girlfriend by his side. But there would be no natural harmonic balance in the universe if not for you, the average reader, who makes a bold fashion misstatement every time you leave your mother's basement in your mustard-stained wife beater.
So, without further adont, the gridiron Galileo called the Cold, Hard Football Facts unlocks for you the natural order of the infinite cosmos with our look at NFL Week 1 statements and their equally necessary misstatements.
Carolina 27, St. Louis 13
Statement: After poor preseason, Carolina QB Jake Delhomme completes 18 of 27 passes for 201 yard, 7.4 YPA, 3 TD, 0 INT and 125.7 passer rating.
Misstatement: After off-season saying he wants to become first player to rack up 2,500 all-purpose yards, St. Louis RB Steven Jackson falls on his face with 58 yards on 18 carries (3.2 YPA), 1 catch for 3 yards, 0 TD and 2 lost fumbles.
Dallas 45, N.Y. Giants 35
Statement: Cowboys QB Tony Romo puts muffled playoff hold behind him by passing for 345 yards and four TDs, while running for another score.
Misstatement: Romo dumps spectacular country hottie Carrie Underwood to focus on football.
Denver 15, Buffalo 14
Statement: Denver kicker Jason Elam races onto the field to nail 42-yard game winner in the final seconds.
Misstatement: Elam blew kicks of 43 and 50 yards earlier in the game.
Detroit 36, Oakland 21
Statement: The oft-criticized Lions offense has exploded for 75 points in its last two games, the greatest two-game output of the Matt Millen Era.
Misstatement: Detroit defense blew 17-point lead, falling behind 21-20 in fourth-quarter, to a team that scored just 10.5 PPG in 2006.
Green Bay 16, Philly 13
Statement: Geriatric Brett Favre says "I'm not washed up" by winning his 148th NFL game, tying John Elway's record for victories by a starting quarterback.
Misstatement: Favre again plays poorly (23 of 42, 206 yards, 4.9 YPA, 0 TD, 1 INT, 58.2 rating) ... but is saved by AARP victory discount and Philly returners Greg Lewis and J.R. Reed who each fumble punts. The second in the final minute sets up Green Bay's game-winning field goal.
Houston 20, Kansas City 3
Statement: Reggie Bush who? Former No. 1 overall pick Mario Williams records two sacks and one fumble recovery, Texans fans remember what it feels like to cheer.
Misstatement: Kansas City's new special teamers are special in a short-bus kind of way; KR Eddie Drummond loses a fumble, rookie K Justin Medlock caps 15-play, 76-yard drive with blown 30-yard field goal.
Indy 41, New Orleans 10
Statement: Super Bowl champ Colts shred NFC title contender New Orleans by 31 points.
Misstatement: NO star Reggie Bush picks up 38 yards on 12 carries (3.2 YPA). His career rushing totals now stand at 603 yards on 167 attempts (3.6 YPA).
Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3
Statement: Vikings rookie Adrian Peterson ran for 103 yards, caught a 60-yard touchdown.
Misstatement: Atlanta's historic running game of 2006 goes to the dogs without former greyhound Michael Vick leading the charge here in 2007: 96 yards on 28 carries (3.4 YPA).
New England 38, N.Y. Jets 14
Statement: Far-out wideout Randy Moss hauls in 9 catches for 183 yards and 1 TD – the third-most receiving yards in New England franchise history.
Misstatement: Jets fans cheer as gritty Chad Pennington fights to get off the field after suffering a nasty-looking ankle injury.
Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7
Statement: Steelers running game shows new boss Mike Tomlin that it's still the bread and butter with 206 yards on 42 carries (4.9 YPA). Super-efficient Big Ben completes just 12 passes ... but 4 go for TDs.
Misstatement: Cleveland QB Charlie Frye starts 4-for-10 for 34 yards and 1 pick, gets benched for legendary Derek Anderson.
San Diego 14, Chicago 3
Statement: Chargers hold league's No. 2 scoring team of 2006 (26.7 PPG) to a single field goal.
Misstatement: Brian Griese and his 84.5 career passer rating sits on the bench while Chicago offense remains entrusted to Rex Grossman and his 71.8 career passer rating.
Seattle 20, Tampa Bay 6
Statement: Seahawks linebackers Lofa Tatupu, Leroy Hill and Julian Peterson combine for 20 tackles, 3 forced fumbles and 2 sacks.
Misstatement: Cold-seated TB coach Jon Gruden and free-agent prize QB Jeff Garcia can't get in the end zone against a Seattle defense that was 19th in scoring last year. 
Tennessee 13, Jacksonville 10
Statement: Jaguars stifle 2006 Rookie of the Year Vince Young, holding him to 100 yards of total offense (78 passing, 22 rushing).
Misstatement: Jags forget about the rest of the Titans offense, allowing 282 rushing yards on 49 carries (5.8 YPA).
Washington 16, Miami 13
Statement: Washington wideout Antwaan Randle El sets career high with 162 receiving yards.
Misstatement: New coach. New QB. Same old story for Fins: Stout defense let down by stumbling offense.