By Kerry J. Byrne
Chosen Son of the Football Gods
Last week we introduced you, the loyal Cold, Hard Football Facts reader (Hi Uncle Bocephus!), to the laws of Phootball Physics: for every statement, there is an equal and opposite misstatement.
The Newtonian nature of our study was on full display Sunday night. The week's biggest statement, New England's dominating 38-14 win over San Diego, came on the heels of the week's biggest misstatement, the blood-thirsty cackles of the vultures who spent the week gleefully pecking at the flesh of Bill Belichick's reputation.
Certainly, "video-gate" isn't over yet as the NFL is looking to pull more taped evidence out of New England, and the vultures (Hello Chris Collinsworth!) continue to circle above.
But, for the time being, the laws Phootball Physics remain in perfect equilibrium.
Arizona 23, Seattle 20
Statement: They'll always have the NFC West. The Pathetic Cardinals put together solid all-around offensive effort (299 yards passing, 132 yards rushing, 6.8 yards per play) against the division's team of the decade.
Misstatement: Five of six Arizona wins since 2006 have come against divisional foes. The Cardinals are 1-10 over that period against the real NFL.
Baltimore 20, N.Y. Jets 13
Statement: Kyle Boller lobbies for his old gig, connecting on 23 of 35 for 185 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT, 97.9 rating.
Misstatement: Anyone can look good with immortal Kellen Clemens taking snaps for the other team (19 for 37, 260 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, 60.6 rating). No word yet on who Eric Mangini will rat out in aftermath of second loss in two weeks.
Chicago 20, Kansas City 10
Statement: Brian Griese (16,564 yards, 104 TD, 80 INT, 84.5 rating) still sitting on the bench.
Misstatement: Rex Grossman (4,801 yards, 28 TD, 29 INT, 71.1 rating) still misleading the offense.
Cleveland 51, Cincinnati 45
Statement: Browns can score on anybody! No-name third-year QB Derek Anderson has a career performance (20 for 33, 328 yards, 5 TD, 1 INT, 121.0 rating). Cleveland averaged a phenomenal 8.8 yards for every offensive play (63 for 554).
Mistatement: Browns can't stop anybody! Cleveland ranks near the bottom of the league in every major defensive category, low-lighted by a unit that surrenders 39.5 PPG and 448.0 YPG. Good news is that next two opponents are offensive challenged Oakland and Baltimore.
Dallas 37, Miami 20
Statement: Dallas holds Dolphins team leader and 2006 Defensive Player of the Year Jason Taylor to 3 total tackles and 0 sacks, while torching Miami for 37 points.
Misstatement: Taylor at his best taunting middle-aged couple of Cowboys fans, while ripping down a sign they placed at Dolphins Stadium.
Denver 23, Oakland 20
Statement: Mike Shanahan is now 20-5 against Oakland.
Misstatement: Shanahan victims read like a who's who of disgraced post-Tom Flores poster boys for Oakland ineptitude: Mike White, Joe Bugel, Jon Gruden, Bill Callahan, Norv Turner, Art Shell and Baby Faced Kiffin.
Detroit 20, Minnesota 17
Statement: Years of drafting wideouts No. 1 is finally paying off. Undefeated Lions lead the NFL with 321.5 passing YPG.
Misstatement: Sloppy Lions have tossed 5 INTs in two games and claim 28th-ranked rushing offense (82.0 YPG).
Green Bay 35, N.Y. Giants 13
Statement: "I'm not dead yet," screams desiccated carcass of former MVP Brett Favre, after completing 29 of 38 for 286 yards and 3 TD for 2-0 Pack.
Misstatement: "But you're still no Tony Romo!" counters bright pink body of Aaron Rodgers, as offensive fireworks come at expense of pathetic Giants defense that surrendered 45 to Dallas in Week 1.
Houston 34, Carolina 21
Statement: Texans in an early 14-0 deficit but explode for a franchise-record 34 points behind new quarterback Matt Schaub.
Misstatement: Widely abused former Houston QB David Carr watched the explosion with a clipboard in his hand ... on the Panthers sideline.
Indy 22, Tennessee 20
Statement: Not so fast, AFC South! Colts rebound with first division win after losing three straight to close out 2006 season. Indy is 8-1 vs. Titans dating back to the height of the Eddie George-Steve McNair Era in Tennessee (2003).
Misstatement: Early shades of 2006, as Colts run D surrenders 123.5 YPG (21st).
Jacksonville 13, Atlanta 7
Statement: Stout Jaguars rebound from Week 1 loss with their best defensive performance since the middle of the 2006 season.
Misstatement: Proud defensive performance comes at the expense of what may turn into the most shameful offense in modern NFL history. Falcons are dead last in the NFL in scoring, with just 10 points through two games.
New England 38, San Diego 14
Statement: They don't hate their coach! Let us be very clear, they don't hate their coach! Patriots smoke San Diego on both sides of the ball (407 total yards to 201). Evil Empire has outscored two 2006 playoff teams 76-28.
Misstatement: San Diego leads the league in mouthing off at the wrong time – like before and after New England games. In their last 13 games, the Chargers are 11-0 against the rest of the league, but 0-2 against the Patriots.
Pittsburgh 26, Buffalo 3
Statement: Everything new is old! New coach. New retro unis. Same old Steelers. Pittsburgh runs the ball 56 percent of the time and has outscored first two opponents 60-10, rebounding from embarrassing 8-8 season in 2006. Rest of AFC North is surrendering 31.7 PPG.
Misstatement: Losman Era will be over soon. Bills rank 30th in PPG (8.5), 31st in yards (203.5 YPG) and 32nd in passing (96.5 YPG).
San Francisco 17, St. Louis 16
Statement: 49ers are 2-0 for first time since Steve Young Era (1998).
Misstatement: See "Arizona 23, Seattle 20" above. Five of nine San Fran victories over the last two years, including both in 2007, have come against inept NFC West foes.
Tampa Bay 31, New Orleans 14
Statement: Buccaneers field their greatest offensive output since 36-35 win over Redskins in middle of 2005 season.
Misstatement: The Saints have surrendered 111 points since the NFC title game and have been outscored 65-14 since taking a short-lived 10-7 lead over Indy in first half of Week 1. The Cold, Hard Football Facts are now officially accepting apologies from Hokie Gajan, sports radio WWL and the entire city of New Orleans.